Not that long ago I thought that I was finally
Starting to lose it,
Was feeling a little bit crazy.
Couldn't figure out where the
Reality ended, and my reactions began.
Between the moments when I rushed my mother to the hospital,
A close friend losing his son,
My father's struggle for his own place in a new life,
His anger,
Someone close to me and a suicide attempt..
Work becoming a blur of exhaustion, frustration, and eventually
Personal rage...
I thought this was it.
I'm done.
No more.
I just couldn't handle any more.
I just wanted a quiet place.
Please God, just some peace and quiet.
I think for a little while I became nothing more than a sack of meat
That reacted to stimuli,
That smiled weakly in the hopes that it would
Hold those shadows at bay.
Please God, let me stay sane a little while longer.
I don't want to push her away. Her, a love that came swiftly from the ether.
Please don't let her leave.
Not yet.
This was my nightly prayer.
She is light,
Genuine smiles.
Honest love.
She gently holds my insides,
Does not tug or tear.
She protects me, prevents my softness from
Spilling carelessly on the floor.
She is always there.
We love each other.
It is more than enough.
It drives me to quiet and safety, and her arms pull me back from the brink.
Many times already...
and She is still here.
I am thankful for that.
We protect each other.
It is always more than enough.
Please God, let mom live.
This was my daily prayer.
Still is.
I stopped playing music for a while.
Nothing comprehensible to say at the time.
Just a lot of worry.
So much worry.
Please God, let me one day to commit to some sort of faith.
I believe..
I think.
My heart says yes, my actions say that there is a line
and I refuse to cross it.
I envy those whose faith seems to flow so freely, who are able to smile in the face of all that has and will come to pass.
And they still believe.
Instead of pursuing my yearning for belief and being,
I got angry.
Mom might die.
A child died.
My father may never recover from his own actions and that of
Those around him.
A family member wants to kill themselves. Tries to.
Work becomes more important to me than it should. Easier to drown myself in the things that don't really matter.
Please God, let me stop questioning you so god damn much.
This is my afternoon prayer
When I stop being hurt long enough to take the time to do so.
I started writing again.
I am getting ready to perform again.
I am preparing to breathe in music again.
Everything has changed.
It will get better.
It is getting better.
I will be better.
I look over at my love.
Thank you, Lord, for this gift that is her.
I don't have to do this alone any more.
Sigh of relief.
Thank you God.
I may not be ready to love my creator fully yet,
But at least I can honestly thank Him.
Maybe someday we can try this again.
I would like that.
