I know someone.
He is kind. Smiles a lot. Has a lovely family. Wonderful family. He is told he is the envy of many.
He believes it. He knows he is blessed. He cherishes them.
He has a secret.
His smiles are fabricated. He sprays it on most mornings like hairspray on parched lips.
It isn't that he is lying about this beautiful life.
He knows happiness is there. No one has done anything wrong.
He just can't feel it sometimes. Can't feel much outside of his tired skin.
But his secret is big. Only a few of us know about it.
Most of us don't really even understand it.
Some of us think it is just in his head. He can shrug it off. Think pleasant thoughts. Meditate and think about good vibrations until the sky no longer looks like it is on fire.
He sees only a blaze caused by his unintended deeds, good intentions turned to dust. That may not be true. It is just how the salt of unshed tears tastes in his mouth every time he thinks he ruined something lovely.
Seems self-absorbed, doesn't he? I don't think he is.
It is his secret.
He thinks it might be killing him.
Sometimes in the early morning he thinks about whether he should take care of it. Get him before it does.
It is a selfish thought, but maybe then his insides wouldn't demand that he listen to their filthy, maggoty whispers. Maybe it would be quiet again.
The secret is a condition. Mental, chemical. Frightening.
It is a potent cocktail of an extreme panic disorder blended slowly and poured over some sort of depression.
He told me he wants to be happy. He knows he should feel it. He feels grateful...
when he doesn't feel
angry.
melancholy.
frightened.
He hears from all of us that he used to be more fun, more friendly.
Sometimes he still is. He fakes it. Wants those that love him to remain loving him.
He is screaming inside. He doesn't even know why.
He wants to grieve for things that happened. Never got a chance to.
Loves his wife. She wants him to open up.
She really wouldn't want to see inside.
But, he trusts her. He gives her a tiny, tiny little peek into the things he no longer knows how to tame.
They end up arguing.
He tries to talk to her, and then FEAR. FEAR is all he thinks, all he experiences in this tiny moment.
No coherent thoughts allowed right now. His emotions speak in loud voices that are not his own.
This is not him.
He tries to explain. FEAR. JEALOUSY. this is not him, he says.
ANGER. FEAR.
She is frustrated. Understandably so. It is too much. He knows that. No blame aimed at anyone but himself.
SADNESS. ..damn it, not again. Not this feeling. He can't think clearly.
This isn't him. Not who he really is. Not how he really feels. It is the little monster in his panic-filled belly that he considered cutting out the other day. It is hungry. His secret needs to be fed. He is not supposed to feel peace of mind while it is awake.
It was easier when he used to drink. He could numb himself.
There was no more FEAR ANGER ANXIETY MELANCHOLY
Just the endless nights spent vomiting his future away...
but it was quiet.
He can feel the sound of the traffic outside on his skin.
He can taste the color of his own disappointment on his lips.
When he gets like this his senses don't make as much sense to him.
They are amplified ten-fold, but.. wrong somehow.
His secret demands attention. Wants all of his focus. It has time for nothing else. It is hungry.
He wants peace inside himself, in his home.
He is getting help. He tells me he is hopeful. I pray for him. He needs rest.
Says he's really tired, and is just trying to hold on to the little bit he has left inside that hasn't gone to rot.
He knows that to keep the peace he needs to hide inside himself again until he can get better. Can't really share what his loved ones think they want him to. He knows better. Been down that path. Doesn't want to lose his family like he has lost before. He says he can hide. he is good at hiding. He can be happy shadow and try and ignore the demons that speak in his ears and tell him terrible things that at calmer moments he knows aren't true.
He will just smile, he says. Starts to cry a little.
Just smile.
I don't know if he is right.
but I will pray for him.
I will always pray.
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