I told a friend the other day that I fear Heaven.
One of the most honest things that I've ever said.
Hated admitting it, hated knowing that it's true.
When I can't sleep at night,
I stand outside in the cold and resume my relationship with the night sky.
I wanted to forge ahead,
Start a new life.
Delve into those deepest, darkest corners.
Try to understand why I didn't feel good enough for myself.
Make that last cup of coffee.
Know you shouldn't, but
You know sleep's not coming either.
Might as well make the most of it.
Stand in the cold, and watch what's left of your breath compete with the steam from a little warm cup.
Wanted to gain some understanding as to how I really tick,
So that when I made my Grand entrance back into the world
I would be made of happy things, Goodness,
And I would be able to provide warmth and light around me.
Make a change for the better.
This is why I left.
A beautiful Fall night. It's very late.
Stars shining overhead in that dark blue that borders on black.
So quiet and still.
Peaceful,
Except for the voices screaming at the absurdities in my own head.
It's in these moments that I worry that maybe the Egyptians were right about the doors to the afterlife.
When it is my time to say goodbye, will my soul be weighed and found wanting?
What if I can't let go?
What if I don't want to...
What happens if I am let into Heaven by mistake.
Maybe I just want a little space somewhere to catch up with those I so desperately miss.
I promise you won't know I'm here.
I'll be quiet.
Please let me stay a little while,
Then I'll go.
Instead, maybe I'll decide to march up to those glittering gates, and
start a bloody war based on all of the things I refuse to accept, and perhaps demand some damned answers while I'm at it.
Will I use all of the same false bravado I did in life?
Will they see through it?
What happens if I'm asked what I think I'm really worth.
I think there might be a point where you can go too far inside.
Don't forget to leave a light on behind you.
If you're not careful, those persistent little demons will find you,
Creep in so close, claws around your throat, whisper the little things that start to make sense.
Personal demons don't care about zip codes, and
Their moving costs are cheap.
They'll find you.
A lovely couple came to my performance the other night.
They live in another city, came to see me here.
Let me know this with stars in their eyes and music on their minds.
At the end of the night,
He gives me a strong handshake and a smile.
She hugs me close, tells me that she cried the first time she ever saw me play.
I quietly tell her that I understand.
She nods and says she knows...
They saved me from myself for a little while.
I can comprehend hell.
What if it is nothing more than being forgotten,
and being forced to watch life move on in silence.
We like to say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
When you are in the midst of doubting your own self-worth,
Sometimes you can't help but wonder if absence just makes people forget.
Maybe it is supposed to be that way sometimes.
I can understand it, though.
Some people's faces have been painted over with the colors that remind me of them.
Ah, she was the greenest jade, bright and glittering in her movements, and luminescent in the lives she touched.
He was shades of sky blue, a calm color that eased those around him as well as inspired those closest with a heart that reached out to the horizon.
..and she was at times those deepest reds tinged with orange, passions fed with abundance until things changed again, and then the fiercest of silent furies when the hurt began.
What if you're asked why you could never commit,
Choosing instead to keep your options open.
Followed a religion based in black coffee and cigarettes,
and worshipped in a temple built from insomnia and self-doubt.
What if the only thing you feared more than Heaven
Is your own refusal to see it.
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