"...I think I forgot how to hear the voice of God."
Before I continue on, if you think you might be offended by talk of religion, God, and suicide, please don't travel with me any further. We are not going to pull any punches tonight.
Ok. Deep breath. Here we go.
"I think I forgot how to hear the voice of God", he says to himself often. Usually around the time he imagines a gun in his mouth. He imagines this not out of some personal pity party or plea for attention, but just because it would be quiet, and he wouldn't have to worry as much any more. He wouldn't feel like such a sniveling and helpless burden. Wants to be the protector, the Guardian of Light & Love for his family, not the annoyance whose heart won't stop beating so damn hard all the time, and who (at the worst of times) feels like he has already lost the things closest to him. He knows he hasn't, which means the end must be on the way.
Don't want to be a burden. Enter the shiny gun.
Don't want to cause pain to his loved ones. The gun in his mind is unloaded.
Standoff.
Hell of a predicament for a guy who is just trying to find Purpose. Contentment. Peace. God.
Sometimes he believes in Hell more than he does in Heaven.
Rephrase that. Sometimes he believes he more likely Has A Place in Hell than he ever could in a place where he would be at peace.
Probably think we are talking about me, aren't you? Maybe we are.
Maybe we are talking about many of us,
Maybe I am talking about the childhood friend
That took his own life before he truly had a chance to shine.
Maybe we are talking about the musical friend who recently took his own life.
Did they feel this way? Were they just wondering where the hell the Divine had gone?
Maybe they too got sick of the scientific babbling while trying to glean the traces of Creation from under a microscope?
God isn't there.
Maybe they became tired of all of the Mysteries being "debunked" by some self-righteous "enlightened" bullshitter who decided those of Faith are weak, and that the path to Truth is through the worship of science, "facts", Facebook, and Wikipedia. Analyze, study harder, and ignore your heart. Truth is found within solutions and mixtures.
The Divine cannot be found within a petri dish.
God is not an alchemist.
But He seems to be quiet these days.
An old man told me once that there is no one more dangerous than someone who believes in nothing but themselves. There is nothing for them to lose or gain.
I have always been afraid of religion. I have been even more afraid to find God.
I don't know if my God is your God.
I don't know if they would get along.
I don't know if your God would beat up my God.
I don't know if they would get along well enough to pick out matching silverware without fighting.
I don't know... but I am scared I will never find His (or Her) Voice.
I am scared I will be left alone in the dark, no sound in the hollows of my insides but
The loud boom
and then silence before one of my attacks; like the quiet that quickly follows a massive explosion.
It is eerily quiet for a split second, terrible beauty,
Before
All sound
is amplified
ten fold
And all I hear are the gnashing teeth and grisly lies these demons scream at me as they latch onto my back and tear the best things from me.
I want to feel safe. I want to hear that Heaven was proud of me today for trying my damn best to be a great father and even better husband.
I want to leave the dark spaces and know that God is watching, and that there is a voice inside that speaks Truth. A voice that is unclouded and unfettered by science and fact, but lives in the realm of heart, a place of implausible but true, of faith beyond reasoning.
I am afraid of these things. I fear drinking just as much. I fear dying even more.
I just want to remember how to hear God's plan, and know that those that came before didn't leave blood on the sand for nothing, that it was ok, and that they are doing something better now. They are angels of the highest order looking out for the powerless and unloved. I want to know that no one is truly unloved, that no one was ever left behind, and that when I wake up in the morning those nasty little things eating my happiest moments won't be there... they will have moved on for something more palatable, and less Light.
No one wants to be left in that dark place with themselves.
I look at my family, and realize that I see a glimpse of the good that God can create.
I treasure it. I cherish it. I honor it.
..but I don't know how to listen for his Voice, and I miss it.
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