self-portraits drawn with eyes closed.

Sometimes I am too high strung.

Sometimes at work I am an idiot.

I often don't like the person I become in those daylight hours,

Some sort of vicious lycanthrope who knows it all and is very opinionated.

During those times I pray for night to fall.

I want to let out that deep, soul shaking sigh,

Fall back into my timid ways.

Just be me.

Not worrying about everything.

I realized that the more substantial I feel the quieter I become.

I fight a daily personal war for survival in the workplace.

I turn myself into something I'm not.

I don't like it. It is how I get by.

Those who know me at work and those who know me personally have experienced two very different creatures.

The beast of the daylight hours is very vocal, very brash, very driven.

Very scared.

All these people around. I am uncomfortable.

Deep down I wonder if I should even be here. I care too much and can't let go of the smallest things.

Forget what deep breaths are like.

The person I know myself to be when the sun sets is 

Quiet, friendly, a little unassuming.

Very shy. Very loving. Very forgiving. 

Not very opinionated.

Humble. Not so crass.

Looks forward to long walks and even longer drives late at night.

Looks forward to those beautiful conversations.

Can't wait for more of those moments that make me write the music that I know I can.

I am older than I pretend to be,

Not as old as I sometimes feel.

I am scared.

I think I have reasons why I dove back into that daylight life headfirst recently. 

I have secrets.

I don't want them.

They are there.

This is part of getting older, I hear.

I drove back the old personal demons.

Unknowingly created new regrets.

 

This time I'm not trying to forget, but understand.

Maybe we're all scared, sometimes.

Maybe we don't really pay attention to our effect on others,

Maybe we are wrapped up in ourselves.

It can hurt to open our arms and hearts to another.

Maybe I need to forgive myself a little more.

Maybe I will be kinder to others in the daylight,

and not just when I feel better in the twilight.

Maybe none of this makes sense to anyone else.

Tonight it makes sense to me.