He doesn't consider himself an ugly man, Nor is he particularly pretty.
He has many talents, and shares them.
He loves his friends and wraps them up in his heart as family.
Is asked often for advice.
Always happy to listen.
Likes being confided in.
Makes him feel needed for a little while.
He drags himself down a lot,
Wondering when he no longer needs to atone for past sins.
Wonders if he will let himself see the sun inside again.
He has allowed himself to become a shadow, a wretched thing without real substance, scratching and clawing,
tearing through enough layers until he finds something that can make sense.
Maybe none of it is supposed to.
When he allows himself to become close to someone, he patiently waits for the time that they will leave him and move on to a happier life.
Takes it in stride.
Enjoys the little time he feels they'll have together.
He tries not to think of it that way.
But he does.
Loves his family devotedly.
There is nothing more important to him, and he cherishes every single breath shared with them.
They are his sun.
Hugs and kisses.
Good things.
Been told he's boring. He's not the most exciting person i've ever met, but I enjoy his company all the same.
He makes sure he's not that way with others any more. Invented a persona made up of bravado and bullshit.
He doesn't like it, not really sure how to abandon it.
Old skins can be painfully hard to shed.
Prefers the times he doesn't feel he has to pretend so much.
Sometimes lets his guard down with a precious few.
Waits for the door to close behind them.
Always waiting.
He doesn't particularly feel sorry for himself.
Not at all.
Just resigned. Seems tired.
Becomes a little too quiet at times.
I know it's all too easy to become lost in your own thoughts.
He feels very blessed for the many miracles he's witnessed,
The bright lives that enter his for a time,
The moments that make him laugh...
Quiet and tender moments;
Those things he feels eventually have to end.
He also knows he is the constant.
The one thing that has to change if anything else will.
This paralyzes him.
Indecisiveness leads to inaction.
Inaction leads to a life moving on without him. This leads to sadness.
Sadness leads back to that terrible indecisiveness.
It is a painful cycle that he's created for himself. He hates it. Knows it's up to him alone to change. Doesn't really know how.
When asked, he will always tell you he's doing well.
Will tell you about all of the amazing things he's done.
He's right. They are amazing.
They're just not enough to fill up his soul.
I often wonder if he's trying to convince himself of his own worth.
In truth, he could be any one of us at certain times in our lives.
He has a name, a face.
A voice. It's very quiet, but it's there.
Just doesn't understand his place in things.
All I can do is listen to him.
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