It's quiet here. About an hour before I perform. Some scatterings of people, faces illuminated by the light of laptops or good conversation.
I like it here.
Soft lights on natural woods.
Perfect combination to settle me before the music begins.
Outside is a different world.
crowds milling about, made up of smiles and celebration.
It is a world of laughter.
Saturdays in Ballard always make you feel good inside.
Good place to stay for a little while, before I leave again.
I always feel so restless.
I think at some point my soul started wandering, and eventually my body caught up.
Don't ever stand still for too long. Harder to catch that way.
Funny thought.
Thinking about someone I talked to the other day.
Says that sometimes he compares his life to others.
Makes him sad.
Thinks that he doesn't measure up to the lights he sees on a screen.
Everyone is more interesting than you are online.
Between the photos of smile-filled vacations,
Incessant posts of inspiring quotes (I have been guilty of this myself)
and all of the other digital feel-goods,
He just doesn't understand why at times he can't see more than the space between this heartbeat and the next.
It was another one of those days.
I will know people who are attending the performance this evening.
Feeling fortunate that this is happening so soon after moving here.
Such support and kindness in my little world.
The rumors about this city were dead wrong.
It can be a place of warmth, yet anonymity.
Passions and aloofness.
Contrast in abundance here, but
Seattle's heart could fill the world with the sparkling light cast by the hopes and dreams of millions.
We're all chasing after something.
Something worth pursuing.
Sometimes we're running.
None of it is easy.
No one ever said it would be.
He has a life. Some consider it to be a very good life.
He knows this.
Something inside just feels very wrong.
No words, just an ache.
Always present,
So persistent.
He wants to believe in something.
He used to.
He felt that at some point the bubble burst. Just wants to be naive and foolish again.
Innocent.
Hates this feeling. Is very good at invalidating his own feelings.
Someone always has it worse than him, right? He says he's just restless.
Wonders why everyone else seems to have it together, when he's struggling with the invisible.
Asks me what to do with all of these things, expecting some words of wisdom and comfort.
I hesitate to say anything.
I'll be honest.
Don't really like giving advice much any more.
I like listening. I'm good at that.
I want to tell him something good.
Something to believe in.
Something that will build the bubble back up, so he can go on with his day,
Smiling, laughing and playing with the fun ones that he admires so much.
He's so eager for something to take this ache away.
He could ignore it. It will hurt later. An option.
Could try and look at it honestly. Risk of falling further into the hole if he's not careful. Another option.
I pause a little longer.
No wise words tonight from someone who knows way too many quotes and reaffirmations, but hasn't figured out how to live any of them.
I tell him the only thing that I think I can.
The only thing I know is true.
I tell him I understand.
My head is back in the cafe,
Back in Ballard on a beautiful Saturday evening.
I look at my watch.
Time to play a little music.
I feel made for this place.
At least for a little while...
Then it will be time to go.
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