Vae Victis

A beautiful open room.
Laughter and soft conversation flowing freely throughout this lovely mingling of wood and windows.
It's a surprisingly warm evening.
Scents of pasta and pesto, and of the red wine at the table next to me.

Some days I really miss my wine.
How it would start at my nostrils, and then go on to caress each of my pores.
My thoughts were always the next victim in this seduction.

So light.
So persistent.

I feel a subtle need starting to twist my brain, then touch each of my insides, one by one.
Almost starting to convince myself that it wouldn't be a big deal.

~ Just a little drink.

Hands are shaking a little now.

~ No one will know.
So enticing.
So damn enticing.

So wrong.

Take a sip of the coffee in front of me.
The heat and bitterness is soothing, bringing me back from that intense urge to throw it all away again for just one more teensy little taste..
But it's never just one, is it?

I laugh a little to myself.
The woman at the next table looks up, stares oddly in my direction.
Look back down at the black bitter pool in my cup, take another drink.

The coffee tastes very good tonight.

It's just a few minutes until I perform.
Feeling a little awkward tonight.
Out of sorts.
A nice older gentleman walks up and tells me he's looking forward to the show.
He loved my soundcheck.
I quietly thank him, try and smile.
Holding my coffee in both hands now. It burns a little.
The sensation reminds me that I'm still here.

~ I remember it was a very cold December.
Had just finished a serious binge with good friends. Can't even remember getting home that night, much less what I had been drinking.
Not the best time to receive a Dear John letter by email.
Even worse time to respond to one.

Not one of my finer moments.

It's show time.
I'm on stage, looking at the strings of my guitar...
Hesitating.
Sometimes they scare me.
When I begin, what hell are they going to lead me through for the sake of beauty?
Trembling inside.
This is what I want. What I need.
If I don't play, I think that these fires inside will finally burn me from the inside out.

I feel my heartbeat, the slick sweat on my hands.
The stage lights are hot.
Wondering where my coffee is.
I need something to touch, some other heat to distract me from my own.
This is the longest second of my life.

~ I remember that it was an even colder January.
Head was killing me, trying to figure out where I was. Vision's a little blurry.
I quickly recognized the faint outlines of my bedroom.
That's good. Somewhere safe.

See several empty bottles of wine on the floor.
See the beautiful naked form lying next to me. She's breathing softly.
Oh no. Oh God, no.
She feels me stirring, wakes up.
Turns over to me, at first smiling, and then her face changes.
She's looking at my eyes.

"Why don't you love me.."
I had no answers.
My eyes betrayed what my heart was hiding.
"Why can't you feel for me what you feel for her?"
She's crying.

I hated myself that day.

It's time.
No more hesitation.
No more fears.
MY heart's beating faster.
The flames are licking my guts, ready to char my remains if I don't begin.
Fingers are closer to those steel strings.
I need this.
I don't know what's going to happen, but it's going to satisfy this fiery beast..
Maybe at least for a little while.

Playing the beginning notes of Beauty Undefined.
It's slower, more deliberate, almost like a dirge.
Things are feeling better.
The pace slowly picks up.
Eyes are closed, seeing subtle swirls of violet and blue.
Losing sense of where I am.
Beautiful faces and moments occupy my mind.
The good things replacing that dark interior.
I don't feel those strings any more, but I'm hearing the notes in the very back of my mind.
Must still be playing.
At some point, I open my eyes.
The song finished, and the colors in my head have been replaced with the sounds of applause.

I realize it's going to be alright.
I'm smiling onstage, and very quietly thanking the audience.

It ended up being a beautiful night.