the shyness of skylines

A beautiful night in downtown Seattle.
It's warm here. Nice breeze.
This night feels nearly perfect.
Everything made up of glitter and light,
and the occasional glamorous ones strolling by.
Enjoying the company of good friends.
Lots of laughs.
My face loves feeling like this.

I see the crowds wander outside movie theatre windows.
The doors open, I step outside.
Instantly assaulted by a wondrous cacophony of light and sound.
I'm dizzied by the press of happy faces attached to warm bodies,
The buildings of glass and steel reaching delicately,
purposefully,
like jewel-laden hands to heaven.

Looking up they remind me of the ring covered fingers of kings from the old stories.
The kings who became accustomed to wealth and splendor, yet still prayed humbly with outstretched hands for guidance, hoping in their hearts to hear the clear voice of the Divine.
Maybe made it easier to make those difficult decisions that weigh on the conscience in the quiet hours.

Did I ever tell you that sometimes I think too much?

Another night.
I'm performing.
A beauty in light colors and long, dark hair sitting in the front row.
She's smiling, eyes closed,
Weaving and moving to the music in the air.
Each song ends. She claps enthusiastically. Smile is even larger.

I say very little between songs. Just falling into sound and color. Feeling shy.
When every song ends, she looks right into my eyes.Her smile is even larger now.

I would like to take a break between sets and say something to her.
Maybe break the ice.
But I won't.

I know what will happen.
Nice conversation.
A certain tilt of her neck.
An innocent and beautiful smile that won't mean anything at all.
But it will mean something to me.
Always does.

I will see light.
Glittering possibility.
Fluttering hearts and simple poetry.
I will honestly believe that I see the inner beauty that no one else sees.
For a while, I'll even convince her too.
I can be very convincing.

I will invent something in my own damn mind that doesn't and never did exist
and I will start to fall a little.
I'll convince her it is all so real too. So beautiful. For a time.
Very, very convincing when I want to be.

I will hate myself in the quiet hours after reality hits me square in the face and I have to deal with the truth of things.
Again.
I know myself too well.
I don't want to go through that tonight.

Near the end of the night she leaves, waving to me and still smiling with bright eyes.
I smile faintly in return, go back to playing.
The inability to speak or move can be a a very strong action.

A different afternoon.
I'm driving along an open road to another city.
Sky is overcast, a hint of rain.
I can see the water on my right peeking through a wall of greenery.
Overpasses curving gracefully overhead into destinations I can't see.
I turn a corner, see another skyline overhead. The fading light reflecting off of glass and steel is always so beautiful.

Look into my rearview mirror. The woman in the car behind me is all smiles, weaving and moving to the music in her car.
Reminds me of the woman from the other night.
Reminds me that those connections made at performances are much like summer romances.
For a time the heart beats so strong.
Everything becomes vivid, colors are brighter. The world transforms within that space into a place filled with wonder and delight.
You can do anything in those moments.

But, just like a summer evening of hesitant handholding and shining smiles within the comfort of a bar's neon lights,

It will end.

I look again into the rearview mirror, see this stranger smiling and subtly moving to some unknown rhythm.

I took the next exit.